Things that are not an Owl #2: Artistic Renditions of Owls

Things that are not an Owl #2: Artistic Renditions of Owls

People often believe they see owls everywhere. For example, the other day, a man on the bus was telling me about how owls are in the banks, wearing clothes and patronizing our restaurants. I almost believed him, however I had already done my research and knew this to be false. Here is why many people believe the owl-theories of men on buses:

The universe is actually mostly composed of artistic renditions of owls, informally known as "owl art." It mostly consists of paintings, drawings, sculptures, and (less commonly) interpretive dance. Very little of it is any good.

Most people who believe they have seen an owl have probably only seen artistic renditions of owls. Ladies and gentlemen, it is once again our duty to inform you that "owl art" is not an owl.

"Owl art" occasionally takes the form of paintings or drawings:

Once again, you may be surprised to learn that this is simply a drawing of an owl. A drawing of an owl is not an owl. Identifying such as a drawing is deceptively simple: All drawings of owls have pencil tracing marks indicating that the artist simply traced a picture of an owl and then colored it in.

Unfortunately, there are a different kind of drawings, known as “paintings”,  in which the artist is not obviously a fraudulent scumbag, as seen here:

In this case, it is important to remember that most owl paintings cannot fly. Simply reach into the bag of rocks slung around your shoulder and choose a smooth-edged stone that fits neatly in the palm of your hand. Then, throw it at the possible owl/painting. Doing so can:

1. Identify it as an owl if it flies away.
2. Identify it as a painting of an owl if it doesn’t fly away.
3. Get rid of it if it turns out to actually be an owl, because it will fly away.
4. Compliment the painter because, I mean, that painting was so lifelike that we couldn’t help but throw rocks at it.

If throwing the rocks doesn’t work, try to take note of the “flatness” of an object. Is it mostly flat? Then it is probably not an owl.  Leading biologists have speculated that paintings and drawings are 2-dimensional objects, while most owls are at least 3-dimensional.

There are other artistic renditions of owls in which the “dimension rule” will not work, such as:

This is actually a sculpture of an owl. Sculptures of owls are not an owl, but they are more easily confused as owls given their lack of “flatness”. The thing above poses an even greater challenge, as it looks somewhat demented, one of the two (2) owl emotional states.

In this case, it is important to remember that most owl sculptures cannot fly. Simply reach into the bag of rocks slung around your shoulder and choose a smooth-edged stone that fits neatly in the palm of your hand. Then, throw it at the possible owl/sculpture. Doing so can:

1. Identify it as an owl if it flies away.
2. Identify it as a painting of an owl if it doesn’t fly away.
3. Get rid of it if it turns out to actually be an owl, because it will fly away.
4. Make a cool sound if you actually hit it and it’s a metallic sculpture.

-PING- is one of these cool sounds.

At this point, we should mention the importance of having a metallurgist somewhere in your immediate vicinity. These specialists are renowned for their ability to identify a metal based on the sound it makes when struck by a rock. If your rock hits the possible owl/sculpture and your metallurgist-friend can identify the metal, it is most definitely not an owl.

There is one last artistic rendition of an owl that we must discuss. 

You may have noticed at some point within the past few weeks that there are a lot of different types of owls. Most of them are really obnoxious. But of all the owls you can find in the world, the most annoying owls are the ones that just sort of hang around for no reason. These are the owls most people try to get rid of.

Unfortunately, all of these people are probably being duped. Because that owl on your roof, that jerk who’s been sitting around the past few years judging you, it’s not real. You bought it at Home Depot. Probably to deal with that rat infestation in your attic. But those little suckers are still running around up there, chewing on your cables and peeing in the attic. That’s why there’s mildew on the ceiling. At least, that’s why Brian has mildew on his ceiling. He really needs to get it together.

Why don't you fix your life, Brian?

But I digress.

Decoy owls (a popular subset of owl sculptures) are a common phenomenon at country clubs, elementary schools, decoy owl factories and nursing homes. People buy them, apparently, to deal with pests like bats, mosquitoes, black mambas. They’re probably terrible at this, but are surprisingly effective at confusing your neighbor’s dog. Cause that thing will not stop barking.

Anyhow, it is our duty to inform you that a decoy owl is not an owl. Let’s take a look at a common owl decoy:

As you can see, it could easily be confused for a real owl. Even more so than the sculptures, given the manufacturer’s attempt to make it look as similar to an owl as possible, down to the wall-eyed glare.

In this case, it is important to remember that most owl sculptures cannot fly. Simply reach into the bag of rocks slung around your shoulder and choose a smooth-edged stone that fits neatly in the palm of your hand. This is where it varies from painting/sculpture identification: Wing it at the suspected owl/decoy. Just, like, really let loose this time, cause you’re outdoors. Then check this flowchart:

Did you figure out if it was an owl or an owl decoy? You did? Good job!

This flowchart can, fortunately enough, be used as a back-up identifying tool for paintings and sculptures.

If you ran out of rocks before you hit the owl/owl decoy, you can always find your neighbor and ask him for his receipts from the last four years to see if he did, indeed, purchase an owl decoy.

So, let’s recap:

1. Paintings and drawings are 2-dimensional, while owls are not.
2. Sculptures are fun to throw rocks at, because they make cool sounds when you hit them.
3. Decoy owls are immortal.
4. Brian should probably think long and hard about the direction his life is going.

Good luck everyone. We’ll see you all again next time!