Things that are not an Owl #3: Owl City

We here at Things that are not an Owl would like to make something very clear to our readers: We are not against owls. While owls may be dangerous, inherently evil and just generally annoying to most people, we do not discourage owls from being owls.

Just owls bein' owls

In fact, any time we hear of owls branching out into areas beyond general owlery (silent brooding, unchecked aggression, alchemy, etc.), contrary to popular belief, we embrace such behavior. So, when we heard of something called Owl City, we thought, “Well done, owls. We applaud your decision to become more civilized.”

When we heard Owl City was actually a musical project, we thought, “Owls are much more culturally advanced than originally thought. It may be too ambitious, but good for them anyways.”

When we heard Owl City was actually the work solitary individual, we thought, “This owl is tenacious. Maybe all owls aren’t simply sullen or demented.”

Sadly, we were duped. Here is the culprit:

Don't be fooled by the smile. He probably still eats mice.

According to our exhaustive research Owl City is a thing that is not an owl. Although the above picture doesn’t reveal it, several images have surfaced online showing the subject to have hands. If you remember correctly from our first blog, hands are one trait shared among things that are not an owl.

Bush league.

But what if there were no such images? What if we were unable to see that this Owl City has hands? The solution is rather simple:  The song titled “Fireflies”.

 The word “fireflies” is a dead giveaway. It is a well known fact that scientists have shown all breeds of owl to have a hereditary condition known as Bioocular lumaurosis. This means that owls have a genetically-based inability to see bioluminescence, rendering them incapable of seeing fireflies, glowworms, and several species of lemur.

Given that owls cannot see fireflies, an owl would never write a song with the word anywhere within the title or lyrics. Anytime something reveals a knowledge of bioluminescent creatures, you can rest assured that it is not an owl.

At this point, we should mention how supremely disturbed we are when something attempts to pass itself off as an owl or even something related to owls, when it is most clearly not. When you hear the name Owl City, this is what you think of:

When you learn that Owl City is a musical project by a solitary individual, you think of this:

Neither of these is true as we have already discussed. Therefore, we demand that Owl City change its name, which isn't even really that good of a name if you think about it. In fact, we could probably think of 100 different band names better than Owl City.

Here are 100 different band names better than Owl City:

1. Led Zeppelin
2. The Beatles
3. David Bowie
4. Eagle City
5. The Black Eyed Peas
6. The White Stripes
7. The Raging Electro-Bears
8. The Jackson 5
9. Michael Jackson
10. Jackie Jackson
11. Jermaine Jackson
12. Tito Jackson
13. Marlon Jackson
14. Janet Jackson
15. Public Enemy
16. Falcon City
17. George Harrison
18. KISS
19. The Wild Russian Cabbages
20. Eminem
21. Backstreet Boys
22. Hootie & the Blowfish
23. Marshall Mathers
24. The Strokes
25. Muse
26. Amy Grant
27. Carrie Underwood
28. Vulture City
29. Destiny’s Child
30. Bruce Springsteen
31. Beyonce
32. The Midget Conglomeration
33. fun.
34. Gym Class Heroes
35. Electric Light Orchestra
36. Trans-Siberian Orchestra
37. The London Symphony Orchestra
38. The City of Prague Philharmonic Orchestra
39. Coldplay
40. Feist
41. Notorious B.I.G.
42. The Beach Boys
43. Train
44. Condor City
45. Britney Spears
46. Bon Jovi
47. The Animals
48. Paul McCartney
49. Justin Beiber Tribute Band
50. The Supremes
51. The Rolling Stones
52. Elvis Pressley
53. Hawk City
54. Red Hot Chili Peppers
55. Mumford & Sons
56. Madonna
57. Beastie Boys
58. Maroon 5
59. Maroon 6
60. Maroon 7
61. Maroon 9
62. The All-American Rejects
63. John Lennon
64. Kings of Leon
65. N*SYNC
66. Buzzard City
67. Rage Against the Machine
68. Outkast
69. Metallica
70. 50 Cent
71. Green Day
72. Blue Day
73. Purple Day
74. Orange Day
75. Green Day 2: Green Day Strikes Back
76. Bob Dylan
77. The Smiths
78. Osprey City
79. Chuck Berry
80. Green Day 3: Return of Green Day
81. Jimi Hendrix
82. Ray Charles
83. Maroon 10
84. Nirvana
85. AC/DC
86. DC/AC
87. Sly & The Family Stone
88. Aerosmith
89. Queen
90. King
91. Ace
92. Ramones
93. Hall & Oates
94. Journey
95. Earth, Wind and Fire
96. Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, Heart
97. Ringo Starr
98. R.E.M.
99. ABBA
100. Things that are not an Owl: The Band

In fairness, here are ten band names worse than Owl City:

1. City of Owls
2. Owl Town
3. Owl Municipality
4. Maroon 8
5. Owl Junction
6. Owl Metropolis
7. Owl
8. Owls
9. The Owls
10. Things that are an Owl: The Band Tribute Band

So there you have it. Owl City is a liar and must answer to the people.

To recap:

1. Owl City is not an owl.
2. Owl City is (disappointingly) not a city consisting of owls.
3. Owls can't see fireflies, which really cuts down on their ability to enjoy a warm summer evening while sitting on a back porch in Greenville, Alabama.
4. Owl City is a terrible name for a musical project, but Owl Junction is even worse.

That's pretty much it. Have a great non-owl filled week!