TTANAO #5: Owl Furniture

Few things in this world give people comfort: grandparents, badgers, spray paint and furniture. At the same time, there are many things that bring discomfort. Our research shows that duct tape is the most stress-inducing object the world has to offer. A close second, however, are owls. Owls, as it turns out, have the unique ability to strike others with a sense of wondrous terror.

source actclassy.com

Above: The fuel of nightmares.

Within the past decade, ornithophobes have begun to feel the oppression of the free market: billions of people requesting owl-themed furniture have made it nearly impossible for the irrationally fearful to enter any home on seven of the nine continents without facing a grotesque, owl-themed object.

Therefore, in order to reduce worldwide stress (specifically for those with a fear of birds, and even more specifically for people with a fear of owls, which is pretty much just Eminem), we feel it necessary to distinguish between owl furniture and owls. Owl furniture, though initially frightening, is not an owl.

Let's start by taking a quick look at an example:

Source target.com

As soon as you can overcome the initial urge to flee and ignite your house on fire, you can start to focus on the finer details of this ridiculously-themed object. First, if you can remember anything at all from our last entry, you'll notice the chair is a disgusting shade of pink, which owls hate.

If, however, the coloration more closely resembled that of owls, an easy way to identify owl-themed furniture is to look at the legs. Do not be deceived by the number of legs. Rather, notice that the legs of this chair are wooden. Owl legs, regardless of how many an owl has, are not wooden. Therefore, we can conclude that the owl-themed chair is not an owl.

Here is an example of an owl and his legs:

Source telegraph.co.uk

Though this owl has four legs, not one is wooden.

 Another popular object in the world of owl-themed furniture is owl pillows. Owl pillows are especially popular among certain stupid interns who ignore the fact that their girlfriends are suffering from sleep apnea and need a special non-owl-themed pillow to get a good night's rest. Seriously Brian. Do you even remotely care about her?

Let's take a look at one of these aberrations:

Source mycottoncreations.blogspot.com

Again, the color. It's just all day with these people. I mean, are they even trying anymore? We would love to see how the exchanges go with the person who green-lights these projects:

Executive: Johnson! Why isn't our new owl-themed pillow covered in ungodly pastel colors?

Johnson: Because I'm going to start terrorizing the families of everybody in marketing until they fix the problem.

Executive: Johnson, you are the saving grace of this office. If I didn't detest any and all forms of affection, I would offer to shake your hand.

But I digress.

The best way to distinguish between an owl and an owl pillow is relatively simple: Fire. If you can set the questioned object on fire and it burns rapidly, it is not an owl. Scientists are nearly positive that owls burn at the same rate as chickens, which we all know to be 23 mm/s.

We've once again created a flowchart for easy access by our readers:

Let's look at one final owl themed object:

Source mainefurniture.org

At this point, you should be saying to yourself, "Are you serious? This hits, like, every single criteria for things that are not an owl." Wooden legs, flammable, shoddy craftsmanship, etc. This poorly-made owl stool (we mean "seat", so stop giggling like a two-year-old) shouldn't even pose a problem for the intelligent person you have become thanks to our blog.

So let's take a look at what we've learned:

1. Owls don't have wooden legs.
2. Eminem is going to start lighting pillows on fire.
3. Don't buy owl-themed furniture.
4. People are still incredibly confused about the coloration of owls.

Good luck out there, everyone!

TTANAO #4: Stuffed Animal Owls

It's a cold night. The clock strikes midnight. Frigid, you pull more covers over your body and curl up tight in your bed with your plush animal, a small owl doll...thing. Apart from the massive regret you have over buying such a horribly-themed stuffed animal, something feels slightly off. You can't help but think someone else is in the room with you. Someone... or something. Suddenly, the creature opens it's eyes, screeches fiercely and thrashes against your body.

A blend of stoic wisdom and terror.

It was an owl all along!

Did the toy salesman lie to you? Or did you accidentally wander into a weird pet store by mistake and, in your confusion, buy a drugged owl? You aren't sure because it's hard to think with an owl clawing at your eyes as you lay fighting for your life. Wait, you're still in bed? What are you doing, you imbecile? Get out of there!

The point of this all-too-familiar scenario is this: stuffed animal owls and real owls are two different things. The key difference is that a stuffed animal owl is not an owl. Forgetting this simple fact can cost you your eyes. But how can you tell what is an owl and what is a stuffed animal owl?

It's pretty easy, actually. Let's take a look at an example:

It doesn't taste as good as it looks. Trust me.

 At first, you may be distraught, thinking, "It looks demented! It's an owl!". While it may be true that most stuffed animal owls appear demented (it is a well-known fact that stuffed animal artisans are some of the finest craftsmen in the land), many have one particular trait which distinguishes them from real owls: multichromatic color schemes.

Owls are well-known for their dull appearance. Any deviation from this lack of bright coloration is a clear indicator that something is not an owl. If you take another quick look at the example, you should now notice the grotesque shade of pink covering the majority of the body. Owls aren't pink. Owls hate pink. If an owl saw something pink, it would probably go berserk and destroy that stupid pink thing.

But I digress.

Let's take a look at a few examples in one image:

Just owls bein' owls?

Orange, Pink, Blue, Green. We can conclude these are all stuffed animal owls. Each of these are not an owl. A real owl would probably just wreck that stupid pink one, too. Seriously, they hate pink to just an unreasonable degree.

What if, however, there were no bright colors to betray the possible stuffed owl? What if the insidious designers of the stuffed animal owls, determined to confuse the public as thoroughly as possible, created an owl using soft browns and grays?

In this case, we must never forget that owls do not have tags. Tags are the hands of the stuffed-animal-owl world. Here is an example:

Mint condition? It was sucked through a turbine. Don't trust Amazon user "ILuvOwls".

 Did you see the tags? They were circled in red. We feel like it was pretty obvious. If you didn't see them, you may be blind, in which case you probably wouldn't have been able to read any of this, so we think it's unnecessary to go into any more detail.

Congratulations! You can now successfully distinguish owls from stuffed animal owls. Let's review a few of these basic principles we just learned:

1. Always check if your stuffed animals are actually real animals before going to bed.
2. Owls are pretty much brown with a few grays and some white thrown in to spice things up.
3. Owls absolutely hate pink. We really can't stress this enough.
4. Owls don't have tags and probably aren't mass produced in China, Mexico or Taiwan.

Good luck out there, everyone! Happy owl identifying!

Things that are not an Owl #3: Owl City

We here at Things that are not an Owl would like to make something very clear to our readers: We are not against owls. While owls may be dangerous, inherently evil and just generally annoying to most people, we do not discourage owls from being owls.

Just owls bein' owls

In fact, any time we hear of owls branching out into areas beyond general owlery (silent brooding, unchecked aggression, alchemy, etc.), contrary to popular belief, we embrace such behavior. So, when we heard of something called Owl City, we thought, “Well done, owls. We applaud your decision to become more civilized.”

When we heard Owl City was actually a musical project, we thought, “Owls are much more culturally advanced than originally thought. It may be too ambitious, but good for them anyways.”

When we heard Owl City was actually the work solitary individual, we thought, “This owl is tenacious. Maybe all owls aren’t simply sullen or demented.”

Sadly, we were duped. Here is the culprit:

Don't be fooled by the smile. He probably still eats mice.

According to our exhaustive research Owl City is a thing that is not an owl. Although the above picture doesn’t reveal it, several images have surfaced online showing the subject to have hands. If you remember correctly from our first blog, hands are one trait shared among things that are not an owl.

Bush league.

But what if there were no such images? What if we were unable to see that this Owl City has hands? The solution is rather simple:  The song titled “Fireflies”.

 The word “fireflies” is a dead giveaway. It is a well known fact that scientists have shown all breeds of owl to have a hereditary condition known as Bioocular lumaurosis. This means that owls have a genetically-based inability to see bioluminescence, rendering them incapable of seeing fireflies, glowworms, and several species of lemur.

Given that owls cannot see fireflies, an owl would never write a song with the word anywhere within the title or lyrics. Anytime something reveals a knowledge of bioluminescent creatures, you can rest assured that it is not an owl.

At this point, we should mention how supremely disturbed we are when something attempts to pass itself off as an owl or even something related to owls, when it is most clearly not. When you hear the name Owl City, this is what you think of:

When you learn that Owl City is a musical project by a solitary individual, you think of this:

Neither of these is true as we have already discussed. Therefore, we demand that Owl City change its name, which isn't even really that good of a name if you think about it. In fact, we could probably think of 100 different band names better than Owl City.

Here are 100 different band names better than Owl City:

1. Led Zeppelin
2. The Beatles
3. David Bowie
4. Eagle City
5. The Black Eyed Peas
6. The White Stripes
7. The Raging Electro-Bears
8. The Jackson 5
9. Michael Jackson
10. Jackie Jackson
11. Jermaine Jackson
12. Tito Jackson
13. Marlon Jackson
14. Janet Jackson
15. Public Enemy
16. Falcon City
17. George Harrison
18. KISS
19. The Wild Russian Cabbages
20. Eminem
21. Backstreet Boys
22. Hootie & the Blowfish
23. Marshall Mathers
24. The Strokes
25. Muse
26. Amy Grant
27. Carrie Underwood
28. Vulture City
29. Destiny’s Child
30. Bruce Springsteen
31. Beyonce
32. The Midget Conglomeration
33. fun.
34. Gym Class Heroes
35. Electric Light Orchestra
36. Trans-Siberian Orchestra
37. The London Symphony Orchestra
38. The City of Prague Philharmonic Orchestra
39. Coldplay
40. Feist
41. Notorious B.I.G.
42. The Beach Boys
43. Train
44. Condor City
45. Britney Spears
46. Bon Jovi
47. The Animals
48. Paul McCartney
49. Justin Beiber Tribute Band
50. The Supremes
51. The Rolling Stones
52. Elvis Pressley
53. Hawk City
54. Red Hot Chili Peppers
55. Mumford & Sons
56. Madonna
57. Beastie Boys
58. Maroon 5
59. Maroon 6
60. Maroon 7
61. Maroon 9
62. The All-American Rejects
63. John Lennon
64. Kings of Leon
65. N*SYNC
66. Buzzard City
67. Rage Against the Machine
68. Outkast
69. Metallica
70. 50 Cent
71. Green Day
72. Blue Day
73. Purple Day
74. Orange Day
75. Green Day 2: Green Day Strikes Back
76. Bob Dylan
77. The Smiths
78. Osprey City
79. Chuck Berry
80. Green Day 3: Return of Green Day
81. Jimi Hendrix
82. Ray Charles
83. Maroon 10
84. Nirvana
85. AC/DC
86. DC/AC
87. Sly & The Family Stone
88. Aerosmith
89. Queen
90. King
91. Ace
92. Ramones
93. Hall & Oates
94. Journey
95. Earth, Wind and Fire
96. Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, Heart
97. Ringo Starr
98. R.E.M.
99. ABBA
100. Things that are not an Owl: The Band

In fairness, here are ten band names worse than Owl City:

1. City of Owls
2. Owl Town
3. Owl Municipality
4. Maroon 8
5. Owl Junction
6. Owl Metropolis
7. Owl
8. Owls
9. The Owls
10. Things that are an Owl: The Band Tribute Band

So there you have it. Owl City is a liar and must answer to the people.

To recap:

1. Owl City is not an owl.
2. Owl City is (disappointingly) not a city consisting of owls.
3. Owls can't see fireflies, which really cuts down on their ability to enjoy a warm summer evening while sitting on a back porch in Greenville, Alabama.
4. Owl City is a terrible name for a musical project, but Owl Junction is even worse.

That's pretty much it. Have a great non-owl filled week!

Things that are not an Owl #2: Artistic Renditions of Owls

Things that are not an Owl #2: Artistic Renditions of Owls

People often believe they see owls everywhere. For example, the other day, a man on the bus was telling me about how owls are in the banks, wearing clothes and patronizing our restaurants. I almost believed him, however I had already done my research and knew this to be false. Here is why many people believe the owl-theories of men on buses:

The universe is actually mostly composed of artistic renditions of owls, informally known as "owl art." It mostly consists of paintings, drawings, sculptures, and (less commonly) interpretive dance. Very little of it is any good.

Most people who believe they have seen an owl have probably only seen artistic renditions of owls. Ladies and gentlemen, it is once again our duty to inform you that "owl art" is not an owl.

"Owl art" occasionally takes the form of paintings or drawings:

Once again, you may be surprised to learn that this is simply a drawing of an owl. A drawing of an owl is not an owl. Identifying such as a drawing is deceptively simple: All drawings of owls have pencil tracing marks indicating that the artist simply traced a picture of an owl and then colored it in.

Unfortunately, there are a different kind of drawings, known as “paintings”,  in which the artist is not obviously a fraudulent scumbag, as seen here:

In this case, it is important to remember that most owl paintings cannot fly. Simply reach into the bag of rocks slung around your shoulder and choose a smooth-edged stone that fits neatly in the palm of your hand. Then, throw it at the possible owl/painting. Doing so can:

1. Identify it as an owl if it flies away.
2. Identify it as a painting of an owl if it doesn’t fly away.
3. Get rid of it if it turns out to actually be an owl, because it will fly away.
4. Compliment the painter because, I mean, that painting was so lifelike that we couldn’t help but throw rocks at it.

If throwing the rocks doesn’t work, try to take note of the “flatness” of an object. Is it mostly flat? Then it is probably not an owl.  Leading biologists have speculated that paintings and drawings are 2-dimensional objects, while most owls are at least 3-dimensional.

There are other artistic renditions of owls in which the “dimension rule” will not work, such as:

This is actually a sculpture of an owl. Sculptures of owls are not an owl, but they are more easily confused as owls given their lack of “flatness”. The thing above poses an even greater challenge, as it looks somewhat demented, one of the two (2) owl emotional states.

In this case, it is important to remember that most owl sculptures cannot fly. Simply reach into the bag of rocks slung around your shoulder and choose a smooth-edged stone that fits neatly in the palm of your hand. Then, throw it at the possible owl/sculpture. Doing so can:

1. Identify it as an owl if it flies away.
2. Identify it as a painting of an owl if it doesn’t fly away.
3. Get rid of it if it turns out to actually be an owl, because it will fly away.
4. Make a cool sound if you actually hit it and it’s a metallic sculpture.

-PING- is one of these cool sounds.

At this point, we should mention the importance of having a metallurgist somewhere in your immediate vicinity. These specialists are renowned for their ability to identify a metal based on the sound it makes when struck by a rock. If your rock hits the possible owl/sculpture and your metallurgist-friend can identify the metal, it is most definitely not an owl.

There is one last artistic rendition of an owl that we must discuss. 

You may have noticed at some point within the past few weeks that there are a lot of different types of owls. Most of them are really obnoxious. But of all the owls you can find in the world, the most annoying owls are the ones that just sort of hang around for no reason. These are the owls most people try to get rid of.

Unfortunately, all of these people are probably being duped. Because that owl on your roof, that jerk who’s been sitting around the past few years judging you, it’s not real. You bought it at Home Depot. Probably to deal with that rat infestation in your attic. But those little suckers are still running around up there, chewing on your cables and peeing in the attic. That’s why there’s mildew on the ceiling. At least, that’s why Brian has mildew on his ceiling. He really needs to get it together.

Why don't you fix your life, Brian?

But I digress.

Decoy owls (a popular subset of owl sculptures) are a common phenomenon at country clubs, elementary schools, decoy owl factories and nursing homes. People buy them, apparently, to deal with pests like bats, mosquitoes, black mambas. They’re probably terrible at this, but are surprisingly effective at confusing your neighbor’s dog. Cause that thing will not stop barking.

Anyhow, it is our duty to inform you that a decoy owl is not an owl. Let’s take a look at a common owl decoy:

As you can see, it could easily be confused for a real owl. Even more so than the sculptures, given the manufacturer’s attempt to make it look as similar to an owl as possible, down to the wall-eyed glare.

In this case, it is important to remember that most owl sculptures cannot fly. Simply reach into the bag of rocks slung around your shoulder and choose a smooth-edged stone that fits neatly in the palm of your hand. This is where it varies from painting/sculpture identification: Wing it at the suspected owl/decoy. Just, like, really let loose this time, cause you’re outdoors. Then check this flowchart:

Did you figure out if it was an owl or an owl decoy? You did? Good job!

This flowchart can, fortunately enough, be used as a back-up identifying tool for paintings and sculptures.

If you ran out of rocks before you hit the owl/owl decoy, you can always find your neighbor and ask him for his receipts from the last four years to see if he did, indeed, purchase an owl decoy.

So, let’s recap:

1. Paintings and drawings are 2-dimensional, while owls are not.
2. Sculptures are fun to throw rocks at, because they make cool sounds when you hit them.
3. Decoy owls are immortal.
4. Brian should probably think long and hard about the direction his life is going.

Good luck everyone. We’ll see you all again next time!

Things that are not an Owl #1: Children Dressed as Owls

Here at Things that are not an Owl, we take things that are not an owl seriously. And there are few things we take more seriously than things that are not an owl blatantly attempting to pass themselves off as an owl.

Statistics reveal a disturbing trend: Most parents in the United States, North Korea and a small dairy farm near Obrež, Serbia have begun dressing their children in owl costumes. It is imperative we inform you that these children are not owls.

Look at this little creature:

More specifically at how dumb he looks.

You may be stunned to learn that this is a child, not an owl. His disguise is nearly flawless. I mean, he's got those perky tufts on his head, as well as wings. His true nature surfaces, however, when we remember that owls do not have hands. This child has at least three.

Before continuing any further, we should remind ourselves of what an owl looks like:

"Your life is of little consequence to me."

As shown above, many owls, while not expressly evil, obviously harbor a grudge against things that are not an owl. Children dressed as owls, however, seldom have ill-will towards non-owls.

Pictured: Something too happy to be an owl

The contrast between these two pictures gives us another way to determine if something is an owl or if it is not an owl: Ascribe plausible emotions to the thing(s) seen and cross-reference them with the list of known owl emotional states:

1. Sullen
2. Demented

As shown in the caption for the previous picture, the thing pictured is happy. Owls are not happy. Therefore, that is a picture of something that is not an owl (in this case, a child dressed as an owl).

Now, let’s practice. Attempt to identify these as owls or children dressed as owls (To aid you, the emotional state of each possible non-owl is listed in order from left to right):

Enthusiastic, Forlorn, Resigned

 They are neither sullen nor demented. We can therefore conclude that these are merely children dressed as owls.

Also, that picture is really creepy, because look at it again. Like, if Michael Myers and the Scarecrow had a child who was possessed by that demon from Paranormal Activity, even that kid would be terrified of those soulless freaks.

But I digress.

A final way to determine if something is an owl is through a quick appraisal of the craftsmanship. According to research, 100% of owls are not constructed from the following items: cotton, rayon, polyester, felt, paper, pipe cleaners or hoodies. Even if owls were built from such materials, they would be thoughtfully crafted. You will never see a shoddy owl.

Parents, however, totally lack embarrassment while creating their child’s second-rate costume overnight, using the leftover craft supplies from last year’s summer camp. For example, this:

Fun Fact: Polls show that the majority of the population believes this child is dressed as a gopher.

Also, this guy:

If owls looked like that, we would have hunted them to extinction out of pity.

Finally, this one:

You may be thrown off a bit: This child dressed as an owl looks like it could be “demented”. The pivotal clue: he is wearing a cardigan. Owls are notorious for their love of pullovers.

So there you have it. Let’s rehash the new techniques we learned for identifying and distinguishing things that are not an owl:

1. Owls do not have hands.
2. Owls are either sullen or demented.*
3. Owls are not sloppily constructed with various craft supplies.
4. Owls just love the bejeezus out of pullovers.

Before we leave you, we must tell you: The children are not to blame for donning such costumes. It is the parents. The parents who dress their children as owls to mock them as well as to confuse the public. 

To quote Benjamin Franklin: "The next time a parent considers an owl costume for their child, you have the right- no, the obligation- to strike them with a wooden stick." (In order to avoid legal troubles, our lawyers suggested that we quote someone else).

Have a great, non-owl filled Thanksgiving! 

*Occasionally, owls can be a combination of sullen and demented, which can best be described as a quiet insanity. This typically only occurs moments before the owl kills something.

Target Acquired: Owl/Non-Owl Identification

Owls can be confusing. But things that are not an owl can be confusing…er. For instance, Rubik’s cubes, puzzles, bicycles, women and Brian.

Take heart! That’s why we’re here. We will be your guide to identifying things that are not an owl. At least, we’ll try to help, but sometimes owls confuse us too, the sneaky little suckers. That’s why we made this handy flow chart:

This flow chart, developed by leading scientists, can be used as a tool for learning to identify things that are not an owl. Eventually, all your problems will be solved, by us or a responsible adult. That is, as long as your problems consist entirely of owl-recognition related matters.

Let’s start with a simple exercise. Use the above flow chart to identify the following image as:

1. An owl
2. A thing that is not an owl.

Is it an owl? Or is it not an owl?

Now, if you correctly used the flow chart, you would not have come to a conclusion, given that we have not discussed any objects that are not an owl (At least, unless you have a REALLY responsible adult around).

Repeat the exercise with the following information:

The image is of a building. A building is not an owl.

...Did you reach the pill-shaped bubble that says, “CONGRATULATIONS”? You should have. If you didn't, it's your fault.

And there you go. You can now successfully distinguish a building (a thing that is not an owl) from an owl (a thing that is an owl).

Now try it again, with this slightly more impossible to identify object:

If you used the flow chart correctly, you would have been forced to select a different object to identify (say, a building?).  Well done! You now know what an owl is, and hopefully are aware of the dangers of owls. At least, we assume owls are dangerous, which is part of the reason why we felt the need to distinguish owls from things that are not an owl.

Now we feel you are ready to take on this final challenge.

WHAT ARE YOU?!?

Godspeed.