Things that are not an Owl #1: Children Dressed as Owls

Here at Things that are not an Owl, we take things that are not an owl seriously. And there are few things we take more seriously than things that are not an owl blatantly attempting to pass themselves off as an owl.

Statistics reveal a disturbing trend: Most parents in the United States, North Korea and a small dairy farm near Obrež, Serbia have begun dressing their children in owl costumes. It is imperative we inform you that these children are not owls.

Look at this little creature:

More specifically at how dumb he looks.

You may be stunned to learn that this is a child, not an owl. His disguise is nearly flawless. I mean, he's got those perky tufts on his head, as well as wings. His true nature surfaces, however, when we remember that owls do not have hands. This child has at least three.

Before continuing any further, we should remind ourselves of what an owl looks like:

"Your life is of little consequence to me."

As shown above, many owls, while not expressly evil, obviously harbor a grudge against things that are not an owl. Children dressed as owls, however, seldom have ill-will towards non-owls.

Pictured: Something too happy to be an owl

The contrast between these two pictures gives us another way to determine if something is an owl or if it is not an owl: Ascribe plausible emotions to the thing(s) seen and cross-reference them with the list of known owl emotional states:

1. Sullen
2. Demented

As shown in the caption for the previous picture, the thing pictured is happy. Owls are not happy. Therefore, that is a picture of something that is not an owl (in this case, a child dressed as an owl).

Now, let’s practice. Attempt to identify these as owls or children dressed as owls (To aid you, the emotional state of each possible non-owl is listed in order from left to right):

Enthusiastic, Forlorn, Resigned

 They are neither sullen nor demented. We can therefore conclude that these are merely children dressed as owls.

Also, that picture is really creepy, because look at it again. Like, if Michael Myers and the Scarecrow had a child who was possessed by that demon from Paranormal Activity, even that kid would be terrified of those soulless freaks.

But I digress.

A final way to determine if something is an owl is through a quick appraisal of the craftsmanship. According to research, 100% of owls are not constructed from the following items: cotton, rayon, polyester, felt, paper, pipe cleaners or hoodies. Even if owls were built from such materials, they would be thoughtfully crafted. You will never see a shoddy owl.

Parents, however, totally lack embarrassment while creating their child’s second-rate costume overnight, using the leftover craft supplies from last year’s summer camp. For example, this:

Fun Fact: Polls show that the majority of the population believes this child is dressed as a gopher.

Also, this guy:

If owls looked like that, we would have hunted them to extinction out of pity.

Finally, this one:

You may be thrown off a bit: This child dressed as an owl looks like it could be “demented”. The pivotal clue: he is wearing a cardigan. Owls are notorious for their love of pullovers.

So there you have it. Let’s rehash the new techniques we learned for identifying and distinguishing things that are not an owl:

1. Owls do not have hands.
2. Owls are either sullen or demented.*
3. Owls are not sloppily constructed with various craft supplies.
4. Owls just love the bejeezus out of pullovers.

Before we leave you, we must tell you: The children are not to blame for donning such costumes. It is the parents. The parents who dress their children as owls to mock them as well as to confuse the public. 

To quote Benjamin Franklin: "The next time a parent considers an owl costume for their child, you have the right- no, the obligation- to strike them with a wooden stick." (In order to avoid legal troubles, our lawyers suggested that we quote someone else).

Have a great, non-owl filled Thanksgiving! 

*Occasionally, owls can be a combination of sullen and demented, which can best be described as a quiet insanity. This typically only occurs moments before the owl kills something.