Things that are not an Owl #2: Artistic Renditions of Owls

Things that are not an Owl #2: Artistic Renditions of Owls

People often believe they see owls everywhere. For example, the other day, a man on the bus was telling me about how owls are in the banks, wearing clothes and patronizing our restaurants. I almost believed him, however I had already done my research and knew this to be false. Here is why many people believe the owl-theories of men on buses:

The universe is actually mostly composed of artistic renditions of owls, informally known as "owl art." It mostly consists of paintings, drawings, sculptures, and (less commonly) interpretive dance. Very little of it is any good.

Most people who believe they have seen an owl have probably only seen artistic renditions of owls. Ladies and gentlemen, it is once again our duty to inform you that "owl art" is not an owl.

"Owl art" occasionally takes the form of paintings or drawings:

Once again, you may be surprised to learn that this is simply a drawing of an owl. A drawing of an owl is not an owl. Identifying such as a drawing is deceptively simple: All drawings of owls have pencil tracing marks indicating that the artist simply traced a picture of an owl and then colored it in.

Unfortunately, there are a different kind of drawings, known as “paintings”,  in which the artist is not obviously a fraudulent scumbag, as seen here:

In this case, it is important to remember that most owl paintings cannot fly. Simply reach into the bag of rocks slung around your shoulder and choose a smooth-edged stone that fits neatly in the palm of your hand. Then, throw it at the possible owl/painting. Doing so can:

1. Identify it as an owl if it flies away.
2. Identify it as a painting of an owl if it doesn’t fly away.
3. Get rid of it if it turns out to actually be an owl, because it will fly away.
4. Compliment the painter because, I mean, that painting was so lifelike that we couldn’t help but throw rocks at it.

If throwing the rocks doesn’t work, try to take note of the “flatness” of an object. Is it mostly flat? Then it is probably not an owl.  Leading biologists have speculated that paintings and drawings are 2-dimensional objects, while most owls are at least 3-dimensional.

There are other artistic renditions of owls in which the “dimension rule” will not work, such as:

This is actually a sculpture of an owl. Sculptures of owls are not an owl, but they are more easily confused as owls given their lack of “flatness”. The thing above poses an even greater challenge, as it looks somewhat demented, one of the two (2) owl emotional states.

In this case, it is important to remember that most owl sculptures cannot fly. Simply reach into the bag of rocks slung around your shoulder and choose a smooth-edged stone that fits neatly in the palm of your hand. Then, throw it at the possible owl/sculpture. Doing so can:

1. Identify it as an owl if it flies away.
2. Identify it as a painting of an owl if it doesn’t fly away.
3. Get rid of it if it turns out to actually be an owl, because it will fly away.
4. Make a cool sound if you actually hit it and it’s a metallic sculpture.

-PING- is one of these cool sounds.

At this point, we should mention the importance of having a metallurgist somewhere in your immediate vicinity. These specialists are renowned for their ability to identify a metal based on the sound it makes when struck by a rock. If your rock hits the possible owl/sculpture and your metallurgist-friend can identify the metal, it is most definitely not an owl.

There is one last artistic rendition of an owl that we must discuss. 

You may have noticed at some point within the past few weeks that there are a lot of different types of owls. Most of them are really obnoxious. But of all the owls you can find in the world, the most annoying owls are the ones that just sort of hang around for no reason. These are the owls most people try to get rid of.

Unfortunately, all of these people are probably being duped. Because that owl on your roof, that jerk who’s been sitting around the past few years judging you, it’s not real. You bought it at Home Depot. Probably to deal with that rat infestation in your attic. But those little suckers are still running around up there, chewing on your cables and peeing in the attic. That’s why there’s mildew on the ceiling. At least, that’s why Brian has mildew on his ceiling. He really needs to get it together.

Why don't you fix your life, Brian?

But I digress.

Decoy owls (a popular subset of owl sculptures) are a common phenomenon at country clubs, elementary schools, decoy owl factories and nursing homes. People buy them, apparently, to deal with pests like bats, mosquitoes, black mambas. They’re probably terrible at this, but are surprisingly effective at confusing your neighbor’s dog. Cause that thing will not stop barking.

Anyhow, it is our duty to inform you that a decoy owl is not an owl. Let’s take a look at a common owl decoy:

As you can see, it could easily be confused for a real owl. Even more so than the sculptures, given the manufacturer’s attempt to make it look as similar to an owl as possible, down to the wall-eyed glare.

In this case, it is important to remember that most owl sculptures cannot fly. Simply reach into the bag of rocks slung around your shoulder and choose a smooth-edged stone that fits neatly in the palm of your hand. This is where it varies from painting/sculpture identification: Wing it at the suspected owl/decoy. Just, like, really let loose this time, cause you’re outdoors. Then check this flowchart:

Did you figure out if it was an owl or an owl decoy? You did? Good job!

This flowchart can, fortunately enough, be used as a back-up identifying tool for paintings and sculptures.

If you ran out of rocks before you hit the owl/owl decoy, you can always find your neighbor and ask him for his receipts from the last four years to see if he did, indeed, purchase an owl decoy.

So, let’s recap:

1. Paintings and drawings are 2-dimensional, while owls are not.
2. Sculptures are fun to throw rocks at, because they make cool sounds when you hit them.
3. Decoy owls are immortal.
4. Brian should probably think long and hard about the direction his life is going.

Good luck everyone. We’ll see you all again next time!

Things that are not an Owl #1: Children Dressed as Owls

Here at Things that are not an Owl, we take things that are not an owl seriously. And there are few things we take more seriously than things that are not an owl blatantly attempting to pass themselves off as an owl.

Statistics reveal a disturbing trend: Most parents in the United States, North Korea and a small dairy farm near Obrež, Serbia have begun dressing their children in owl costumes. It is imperative we inform you that these children are not owls.

Look at this little creature:

More specifically at how dumb he looks.

You may be stunned to learn that this is a child, not an owl. His disguise is nearly flawless. I mean, he's got those perky tufts on his head, as well as wings. His true nature surfaces, however, when we remember that owls do not have hands. This child has at least three.

Before continuing any further, we should remind ourselves of what an owl looks like:

"Your life is of little consequence to me."

As shown above, many owls, while not expressly evil, obviously harbor a grudge against things that are not an owl. Children dressed as owls, however, seldom have ill-will towards non-owls.

Pictured: Something too happy to be an owl

The contrast between these two pictures gives us another way to determine if something is an owl or if it is not an owl: Ascribe plausible emotions to the thing(s) seen and cross-reference them with the list of known owl emotional states:

1. Sullen
2. Demented

As shown in the caption for the previous picture, the thing pictured is happy. Owls are not happy. Therefore, that is a picture of something that is not an owl (in this case, a child dressed as an owl).

Now, let’s practice. Attempt to identify these as owls or children dressed as owls (To aid you, the emotional state of each possible non-owl is listed in order from left to right):

Enthusiastic, Forlorn, Resigned

 They are neither sullen nor demented. We can therefore conclude that these are merely children dressed as owls.

Also, that picture is really creepy, because look at it again. Like, if Michael Myers and the Scarecrow had a child who was possessed by that demon from Paranormal Activity, even that kid would be terrified of those soulless freaks.

But I digress.

A final way to determine if something is an owl is through a quick appraisal of the craftsmanship. According to research, 100% of owls are not constructed from the following items: cotton, rayon, polyester, felt, paper, pipe cleaners or hoodies. Even if owls were built from such materials, they would be thoughtfully crafted. You will never see a shoddy owl.

Parents, however, totally lack embarrassment while creating their child’s second-rate costume overnight, using the leftover craft supplies from last year’s summer camp. For example, this:

Fun Fact: Polls show that the majority of the population believes this child is dressed as a gopher.

Also, this guy:

If owls looked like that, we would have hunted them to extinction out of pity.

Finally, this one:

You may be thrown off a bit: This child dressed as an owl looks like it could be “demented”. The pivotal clue: he is wearing a cardigan. Owls are notorious for their love of pullovers.

So there you have it. Let’s rehash the new techniques we learned for identifying and distinguishing things that are not an owl:

1. Owls do not have hands.
2. Owls are either sullen or demented.*
3. Owls are not sloppily constructed with various craft supplies.
4. Owls just love the bejeezus out of pullovers.

Before we leave you, we must tell you: The children are not to blame for donning such costumes. It is the parents. The parents who dress their children as owls to mock them as well as to confuse the public. 

To quote Benjamin Franklin: "The next time a parent considers an owl costume for their child, you have the right- no, the obligation- to strike them with a wooden stick." (In order to avoid legal troubles, our lawyers suggested that we quote someone else).

Have a great, non-owl filled Thanksgiving! 

*Occasionally, owls can be a combination of sullen and demented, which can best be described as a quiet insanity. This typically only occurs moments before the owl kills something.

Target Acquired: Owl/Non-Owl Identification

Owls can be confusing. But things that are not an owl can be confusing…er. For instance, Rubik’s cubes, puzzles, bicycles, women and Brian.

Take heart! That’s why we’re here. We will be your guide to identifying things that are not an owl. At least, we’ll try to help, but sometimes owls confuse us too, the sneaky little suckers. That’s why we made this handy flow chart:

This flow chart, developed by leading scientists, can be used as a tool for learning to identify things that are not an owl. Eventually, all your problems will be solved, by us or a responsible adult. That is, as long as your problems consist entirely of owl-recognition related matters.

Let’s start with a simple exercise. Use the above flow chart to identify the following image as:

1. An owl
2. A thing that is not an owl.

Is it an owl? Or is it not an owl?

Now, if you correctly used the flow chart, you would not have come to a conclusion, given that we have not discussed any objects that are not an owl (At least, unless you have a REALLY responsible adult around).

Repeat the exercise with the following information:

The image is of a building. A building is not an owl.

...Did you reach the pill-shaped bubble that says, “CONGRATULATIONS”? You should have. If you didn't, it's your fault.

And there you go. You can now successfully distinguish a building (a thing that is not an owl) from an owl (a thing that is an owl).

Now try it again, with this slightly more impossible to identify object:

If you used the flow chart correctly, you would have been forced to select a different object to identify (say, a building?).  Well done! You now know what an owl is, and hopefully are aware of the dangers of owls. At least, we assume owls are dangerous, which is part of the reason why we felt the need to distinguish owls from things that are not an owl.

Now we feel you are ready to take on this final challenge.

WHAT ARE YOU?!?

Godspeed.

Which Came First: The Owl or the Owl Egg?

Owls are things. But there are many other things. Important things. Stupid things. People. Important  people. Brian. Etc.

Something that a lot of things have in common is that they are not an owl. This is a bond not easily broken, because things that aren’t an owl don’t turn into an owl. Well, except maybe owl eggs, some scientists have been known to say. Most philosophers disagree. It's anybody's guess at this point.

But I digress.

This blog is dedicated to all things not owls and providing necessary and sufficient evidence that they are, indeed, not an owl. I have provided several charts to reveal the content of this blog, in case the aforementioned purpose is not imminently evident: 

How this site works:

"Is it an owl?" "Yeah." "...Let's think of something else."

 

That pretty much sums it up. If you have any questions, return to the top of the page.