Monday, December 10, 2012

Things that are not an Owl #3: Owl City



We here at Things that are not an Owl would like to make something very clear to our readers: We are not against owls. While owls may be dangerous, inherently evil and just generally annoying to most people, we do not discourage owls from being owls.

Just owls bein' owls

In fact, any time we hear of owls branching out into areas beyond general owlery (silent brooding, unchecked aggression, alchemy, etc.), contrary to popular belief, we embrace such behavior. So, when we heard of something called Owl City, we thought, “Well done, owls. We applaud your decision to become more civilized.”

When we heard Owl City was actually a musical project, we thought, “Owls are much more culturally advanced than originally thought. It may be too ambitious, but good for them anyways.”

When we heard Owl City was actually the work solitary individual, we thought, “This owl is tenacious. Maybe all owls aren’t simply sullen or demented.”

Sadly, we were duped. Here is the culprit:

Don't be fooled by the smile. He probably still eats mice.

According to our exhaustive research Owl City is a thing that is not an owl. Although the above picture doesn’t reveal it, several images have surfaced online showing the subject to have hands. If you remember correctly from our first blog, hands are one trait shared among things that are not an owl.

Bush league.

But what if there were no such images? What if we were unable to see that this Owl City has hands? The solution is rather simple:  The song titled “Fireflies”.


 The word “fireflies” is a dead giveaway. It is a well known fact that scientists have shown all breeds of owl to have a hereditary condition known as Bioocular lumaurosis. This means that owls have a genetically-based inability to see bioluminescence, rendering them incapable of seeing fireflies, glowworms, and several species of lemur.

Given that owls cannot see fireflies, an owl would never write a song with the word anywhere within the title or lyrics. Anytime something reveals a knowledge of bioluminescent creatures, you can rest assured that it is not an owl.

At this point, we should mention how supremely disturbed we are when something attempts to pass itself off as an owl or even something related to owls, when it is most clearly not. When you hear the name Owl City, this is what you think of:


When you learn that Owl City is a musical project by a solitary individual, you think of this:


Neither of these is true as we have already discussed. Therefore, we demand that Owl City change its name, which isn't even really that good of a name if you think about it. In fact, we could probably think of 100 different band names better than Owl City.

Here are 100 different band names better than Owl City:
  1. Led Zeppelin
  2. The Beatles
  3. David Bowie
  4. Eagle City
  5. The Black Eyed Peas
  6. The White Stripes
  7. The Raging Electro-Bears
  8. The Jackson 5
  9. Michael Jackson
  10. Jackie Jackson
  11. Jermaine Jackson
  12. Tito Jackson
  13. Marlon Jackson
  14. Janet Jackson
  15. Public Enemy
  16. Falcon City
  17. George Harrison
  18. KISS
  19. The Wild Russian Cabbages
  20. Eminem
  21. Backstreet Boys
  22. Hootie & the Blowfish
  23. Marshall Mathers
  24. The Strokes
  25. Muse
  26. Amy Grant
  27. Carrie Underwood
  28. Vulture City
  29. Destiny’s Child
  30. Bruce Springsteen
  31. Beyonce
  32. The Midget Conglomeration
  33. fun.
  34. Gym Class Heroes
  35. Electric Light Orchestra
  36. Trans-Siberian Orchestra
  37. The London Symphony Orchestra
  38. The City of Prague Philharmonic Orchestra
  39. Coldplay
  40. Feist
  41. Notorious B.I.G.
  42. The Beach Boys
  43. Train
  44. Condor City
  45. Britney Spears
  46. Bon Jovi
  47. The Animals
  48. Paul McCartney
  49. Justin Beiber Tribute Band
  50. The Supremes
  51. The Rolling Stones
  52. Elvis Pressley
  53. Hawk City
  54. Red Hot Chili Peppers
  55. Mumford & Sons
  56. Madonna
  57. Beastie Boys
  58. Maroon 5
  59. Maroon 6
  60. Maroon 7
  61. Maroon 9
  62. The All-American Rejects
  63. John Lennon
  64. Kings of Leon
  65. N*SYNC
  66. Buzzard City
  67. Rage Against the Machine
  68. Outkast
  69. Metallica
  70. 50 Cent
  71. Green Day
  72. Blue Day
  73. Purple Day
  74. Orange Day
  75. Green Day 2: Green Day Strikes Back
  76. Bob Dylan
  77. The Smiths
  78. Osprey City
  79. Chuck Berry
  80. Green Day 3: Return of Green Day
  81. Jimi Hendrix
  82. Ray Charles
  83. Maroon 10
  84. Nirvana
  85. AC/DC
  86. DC/AC
  87. Sly & The Family Stone
  88. Aerosmith
  89. Queen
  90. King
  91. Ace
  92. Ramones
  93. Hall & Oates
  94. Journey
  95. Earth, Wind and Fire
  96. Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, Heart
  97. Ringo Starr
  98. R.E.M.
  99. ABBA
  100. Things that are not an Owl: The Band
In fairness, here are ten band names worse than Owl City:
  1. City of Owls
  2. Owl Town
  3. Owl Municipality
  4. Maroon 8
  5. Owl Junction
  6. Owl Metropolis
  7. Owl
  8. Owls
  9. The Owls
  10. Things that are an Owl: The Band Tribute Band
So there you have it. Owl City is a liar and must answer to the people.

To recap:
  1. Owl City is not an owl.
  2. Owl City is (disappointingly) not a city consisting of owls.
  3. Owls can't see fireflies, which really cuts down on their ability to enjoy a warm summer evening while sitting on a back porch in Greenville, Alabama.
  4. Owl City is a terrible name for a musical project, but Owl Junction is even worse.
That's pretty much it. Have a great non-owl filled week!