TTANAO #5: Owl Furniture

Few things in this world give people comfort: grandparents, badgers, spray paint and furniture. At the same time, there are many things that bring discomfort. Our research shows that duct tape is the most stress-inducing object the world has to offer. A close second, however, are owls. Owls, as it turns out, have the unique ability to strike others with a sense of wondrous terror.

source actclassy.com

Above: The fuel of nightmares.

Within the past decade, ornithophobes have begun to feel the oppression of the free market: billions of people requesting owl-themed furniture have made it nearly impossible for the irrationally fearful to enter any home on seven of the nine continents without facing a grotesque, owl-themed object.

Therefore, in order to reduce worldwide stress (specifically for those with a fear of birds, and even more specifically for people with a fear of owls, which is pretty much just Eminem), we feel it necessary to distinguish between owl furniture and owls. Owl furniture, though initially frightening, is not an owl.

Let's start by taking a quick look at an example:

Source target.com

As soon as you can overcome the initial urge to flee and ignite your house on fire, you can start to focus on the finer details of this ridiculously-themed object. First, if you can remember anything at all from our last entry, you'll notice the chair is a disgusting shade of pink, which owls hate.

If, however, the coloration more closely resembled that of owls, an easy way to identify owl-themed furniture is to look at the legs. Do not be deceived by the number of legs. Rather, notice that the legs of this chair are wooden. Owl legs, regardless of how many an owl has, are not wooden. Therefore, we can conclude that the owl-themed chair is not an owl.

Here is an example of an owl and his legs:

Source telegraph.co.uk

Though this owl has four legs, not one is wooden.

 Another popular object in the world of owl-themed furniture is owl pillows. Owl pillows are especially popular among certain stupid interns who ignore the fact that their girlfriends are suffering from sleep apnea and need a special non-owl-themed pillow to get a good night's rest. Seriously Brian. Do you even remotely care about her?

Let's take a look at one of these aberrations:

Source mycottoncreations.blogspot.com

Again, the color. It's just all day with these people. I mean, are they even trying anymore? We would love to see how the exchanges go with the person who green-lights these projects:

Executive: Johnson! Why isn't our new owl-themed pillow covered in ungodly pastel colors?

Johnson: Because I'm going to start terrorizing the families of everybody in marketing until they fix the problem.

Executive: Johnson, you are the saving grace of this office. If I didn't detest any and all forms of affection, I would offer to shake your hand.

But I digress.

The best way to distinguish between an owl and an owl pillow is relatively simple: Fire. If you can set the questioned object on fire and it burns rapidly, it is not an owl. Scientists are nearly positive that owls burn at the same rate as chickens, which we all know to be 23 mm/s.

We've once again created a flowchart for easy access by our readers:

Let's look at one final owl themed object:

Source mainefurniture.org

At this point, you should be saying to yourself, "Are you serious? This hits, like, every single criteria for things that are not an owl." Wooden legs, flammable, shoddy craftsmanship, etc. This poorly-made owl stool (we mean "seat", so stop giggling like a two-year-old) shouldn't even pose a problem for the intelligent person you have become thanks to our blog.

So let's take a look at what we've learned:

1. Owls don't have wooden legs.
2. Eminem is going to start lighting pillows on fire.
3. Don't buy owl-themed furniture.
4. People are still incredibly confused about the coloration of owls.

Good luck out there, everyone!